


it’s not living if it’s not with you

by orphan_account



Category: Cravity (Band)
Genre: Angst, Death, M/M, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2020-10-13
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:27:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26982130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: To Woobin, Serim is enough to keep him going.
Relationships: Park Serim/Seo Woobin
Comments: 3
Kudos: 13





	it’s not living if it’s not with you

**Author's Note:**

> it’s already in the tags but just another reminder that this story might be quite triggering so PLEASE read at your own risk! this is admittedly not my best work but i just wanted to write something, anything, thus resulting to this word vomit. really sorry if it’s ugly LOL it’s not proofread bc i literally wrote this at 3am and i haven’t written anything in months so :D 
> 
> enjoy reading!

There is so much to love about living.

There’s the joy of waking up to a new day, wondering what it offers you. There’s the things you will only experience for once in your life, emotions that will fill your heart to no end, adventures you will get to experience. There’s still a lot of places to see, a lot of goals to achieve, a lot of new people to meet.

Then there’s Park Serim.

To Woobin, Serim is enough to keep him going, enough for him to love living even when waking up seems to gradually become harder through the days as the feeling in his heart becomes more and more heavy as time passes by. Serim is enough to make everything a little bit bearable, almost as if the pain isn’t there and he could almost breathe even when Woobin is 10 feet under the ocean and the overwhelming amount of water is suffocating him, crushing his body and filling in his lungs until his whole system is filled with nothing but the salty liquid - Serim is there to help him cope, to help him bear with the pain. 

As the night draws the sky in complete darkness, the stars seemingly nowhere to be seen and even the moon not visible to cast light upon the Earth, Woobin looks back to everything, reminiscing the past that are now just memories he can only look back to. There is nothing he can do anymore but to take out all these memories and replay them in his head over and over again in hopes that Serim will magically appear in front of him. It’s foolish, really, to keep looking back on everything when he knows damn well that the only thing it does is cause him pain, but who’s to blame Woobin when every second of the day he finds himself craving for Serim’s touch? To see the other again and be with him, talk to him, hug him? 

Taking out all these memories and playing them in his head, Woobin looks back to the list of reasons to live that Serim had written for him once when the other had caught him trying to book a schedule with death.

  1. _You still have a lot of people to meet._



Serim had told him that in life, there are many different types of people that he will meet, and all of them will serve a purpose in his life one way or another, whether he may realise it or not. They will unknowingly impact him, influence his thoughts and actions, teach him a lesson that will never be taught in school or anywhere else. 

Woobin thinks, realises he’s already met so many types of people in his life, but the one that impacted him the most is Serim. Serim, who had taught him what love is. Serim, who had influenced his thoughts and made him see the beauty in life. Serim, who had become his reason for being, his reason to hang on for a little longer. 

  1. _You still have a lot of goals to achieve._



When Serim had asked Woobin if he had any goals in his life, Woobin immediately answers with a shake of his head, nothing in particular coming up in his mind - is there even anything he’s trying to reach? Any goals he wants to achieve?

Serim had told him to think again, think deeper and ask himself if he has anything he wants to accomplish soon.

At the time, Woobin had answered: “Is wanting to be dead by the new year’s eve a goal?” 

There was a flash of sadness that painted Serim’s face momentarily and Woobin wondered if he was starting to see things. He most definitely does not expect for the other to be concerned about him. No one ever does, anyway. 

“It can be considered a goal, I suppose, but isn’t it much more fun to be alive?” 

Woobin let out a snort at the other’s reply. “What’s fun about living, anyway. It’s not like we won’t die soon, might as well just do it faster.” 

Now, Woobin realises that it’s fun to be alive, to wake up everyday in excitement of what’s waiting for him. It’s fun to be alive when Serim is there to help ease the pain in his heart and make life a little bit bearable for him.

  1. _There’s still a lot of places to go to._



The universe doesn’t revolve solely around the premises of Seoul and Woobin knows this, but he had never seen the purpose of travelling to another place or country. Why would you even spend a huge amount of money just to go to a different place? It bogged Woobin’s mind to no end. 

But after meeting Serim, Woobin had realised the beauty of travelling and going out to see the world, to go to different places and compare them to one another. His experiences in each place are all different but there’s one thing that’s a constant whenever he’s travelling - it’s the excitement, the thrill of seeing new things and unfamiliar places that ends up evoking inexplicable feelings in Woobin. 

  1. _There’s still a lot of things you’ll get to experience._



Woobin remembers all his firsts - his first love, his first kiss, his first heartbreak. A lot of his firsts were with Serim and they’re experiences that nothing will ever amount to. The feeling of excitement that filled his heart is unforgettable, and they are Woobin’s most treasured memories, tucked somewhere safe in his brain so he won’t forget them no matter what. 

  1. _But most importantly, live for the sake of it, Ruby. Live because there is so much more to life than what meets the eye._



Woobin remembers the late night talks where they’d converse in hushed tones as if afraid the universe will hear their secrets; the impromptu midnight drives when both can’t fall asleep so they decide to wander with no destination in mind, only wanting to escape for a little while and get some air; the _are you okay’s_ and _i love you’s_ that automatically comes out of Serim’s mouth whenever he notices a shift in Woobin’s mood, notices the sudden silence from the other as the negative thoughts clouded his mind seemingly endlessly until it all dissipates with a single squeeze on his hand from his boyfriend, Serim kissing the back of his hand as if to tell him that it’s alright even when it isn’t.

_“It’s alright. It’s alright. It’s alright. You’ll be alright soon, Ruby. Just please hang in there for a little more, yeah? You’ve already held on for this longer and for that, I’m proud of you, so I hope you’ll keep holding on. Even when the sun can’t reach you sometimes, even when the rain seems to never come to a halt, even when there seems to be nothing worth living for anymore, please, I hope you can think of me and remember why you’re doing this; why you’re still here until now. I love you, Ruby. I love you endlessly.”_

As if knowing his tired heart and mind, raindrops started to fall from the sky, falling on Woobin, embracing him in an effort to give him comfort. 

It’s funny to think that the person who had always been Woobin’s reason to live is now no longer alive. What’s there to hold on to anymore when the only thing keeping him going isn’t even here anymore? What’s there to still live for when Serim isn’t here anymore to experience new things with him?

Woobin realises that along with Serim’s passing, his reason for living had also passed away. There’s no point anymore. There’s no reason anymore for him to stay here only to be reminded every single day of the pain, of the reality that Serim had left him already.

“How can I still live if my reason for being isn’t even here anymore? You’re so unfair, Selm.” Woobin chuckles, staring at nowhere and hoping Serim was somewhere out there, listening to him. “You should’ve told me you were leaving, too. I should’ve come with you so you wouldn’t feel too lonely. Wait for me, yeah? I’m coming there soon.” There’s a bittersweet smile that paints Woobin’s lips as he says the last words, the tears from his eyes continuously falling like the heavy downpour of the rain. He stands up and walks off into the ocean.

He had lived a good life. There had been a lot of pain but Serim was there to ease all of it, there to make things better for him and now that he’s gone, Woobin doesn’t find a reason anymore to stay. 

And so he decides that leaving is for the better. 

The ocean is vast. There’s seemingly no end to it, gradually becoming deeper as Woobin keeps on walking, now unafraid of what the ocean might bring. He keeps on walking until he’s completely under the ocean, the cold water welcoming him with a gentle, comforting hug. It tells him it’s alright, that there’s nothing to be afraid of anymore. The pain is only temporary and soon he will meet Serim on the other side. The thought of meeting Serim again paints his face with a smile, warmth filling him along with the water filling in his lungs. It’s difficult, painful as the cold salty liquid continuously enters his body to no end, the once gentle hug of the water now crushing him. 

But Woobin doesn’t fight back. He doesn’t try to go back into the surface for air, only lets the water fill his entire system. 

And for the one last time, Woobin thinks of the list again, thinks of Serim again before he falls unconscious, his body giving in to the water as more of them enters through his mouth, his nose, his ears. 

There is so much to love about living, but none when Serim isn’t there with him.


End file.
